Angel by my Zide

I just realized one thing. I am not afraid to die.

It took a splitsecond to realize why. Because I have nothing to live for.

And the more I think about it, the more true it is.

I am not afraid to die. Cause I am already mentally dead.

She kissed him. Why am I even surprised? Why do I even care? I still dont believe that I have a crush om him, but why? I mean they were holding hands all night, and since Lisa didnt do anything Im sure Li did. I was sure when I left, so why did it come as a surprise that they actually kissed?

Oh Fabian how I wish I could protect you from Li. She never saw how you played with her hair, she doesnt see how you look at her when she least expects it. I am not sure, but I am starting to guess that she made you fall for her, just like she did with poor Melker. Just for one nights fun.

I dont really understand some people. They drink to do mistakes that they for sure know they will do when they are drunk, yet they keep drinking and doing the same old mistakes over and over again.

Li, learn to keep your hands to yourself. Atleast until you know that you are kissing and touching that person because you want to, not because you are too drunk to see the concequences. Cause you do not realize how attractive you are, how easily guys fall for you. You hair is seductive, and that you sre never afraid to say what you think creates this fascinating respect in the boys' minds. Please have that in mind next time.

Lisa, do never ever try to sneak behind my back again. I will not allow that. I may seem stupid and kinda fun to hang out with sometimes but you have know idea what I am capable of. I know you tried to be nice but no, just no. Dont sneak behind my back with your desire to kiss all the hot guys in the class, aswell as Fabian. Just like you did to little Samuel. And dont try to keep something from me especially since I deserve to know. Not because its about Fabian, I do not own that guy and I never will, but more because of Li and her innocent mind. Please be faithful to your boyfriend, you have no idea what I would do to be in your position.

And all the other people that are reading this, keep one thing in mind: I WILL FIND OUT.

Not saying so to be mean, just the simple thing that you can never hide something from your family, and when you are in the same class you become a family, weather you want it or not. Dont try to hide stuff from me cause sooner or later my contacts will inform me. Just so you know.


Oh, one last thing. Some people in my class are some real bitches, I am starting to dislike our class a horrible lot.

If it wasnt for my lovely Aida, my newly found friends Alva and Emma, oh and Aida again I would not have made it.

Thank you for making it possible to stand all the other bitches' hate.

I ADOOOORE THIS RED SHADE IT IS SOOOO YUMMY! It'll be hell to take care of though... Will it be worth it?

I hate to cheat

I wanted him to stay. I wanted him to fall for my puppy eye smile and stay for just one more minute.

In the middle of the movie I was so tempted to change my place and sit down next to him. To place his arm on my shoulder and cuddle into his arms. To smell him and just feel his heartbrat next to my ear.

Sometimes when I sit behind him in class I feel a need to put my fingers through his hair, and touch the soft curls. I want to bend over and whisper something in his ear, feeling him smile and leaning his cheek towards mine.

I want him to grab me and hug me when he sees me in the corridor, I want him to touch me because he felt like doing so spontaniously.

I wish it was like the first weeks. When he tried to hold my hand and I pushed him away, or when he randomly put his arm around me. I hate how stiff things are between us.

But its clearing up now. He is kind of okay. He is pretty fine with me. I just hate that it was so much better, and I ruined it.

I always ruin everything. I wish I could have done everything I wanted to do with him. I wish I had showed him back that I like him.

Which I do. I like him so much more than a friend. Yet I wont call myself in love. It is not a crush, it is something perfectly in between. As he said hinself once; You can like someone really really much without having a crush. And I like him a lot.

Still, when he walks up to me my heartbeat wont raise, it just slowly wales up more than before.
Have you read The Host? Melanie's live for Jared is an explotion, with fire everywhere burning every cell up snd leaving nothing behind but ashes and scars of love, while Wanda's love for Ian was more like a slow vulcano in the centre of the body. That is more how it is. My body clearly reacts to him, but ko where as much and as brutal as on my previous crushes.

He makes me confused, but its worth everything to see him smile.


I want to make him smile

I want someone who loves me for who I am. Someone who wakes up next to mw in mormings where my makeup is old and running off, there is more mascara underneath my eyes that on the lashes and my lips are dry, yet he needs to kiss me cause he fonds me so beautiful. I want someone who calls in the middle of the night crying cause he misses me. I need someone who needs me as much as I need him.

And it might sound crazy, but that is why I want someone like Bill.

I have two parents. One mum and one dad. And dont think Im stupid, nowadays you can never know that for sure ☺

They are both born 1966, so this year they'll turn 46. Its a lot in my eyes, and they are getting scary old. Its actually freaking me out. I watch my mum cry over my grandma's death and think "how long time do I have until its my turn to cry over my mum?"

I see my dad work all day and night and realise how tired it makes him, how much he'd prefer to sit in the sofa and read a nice bool but he wants my sister and I to have a pretty house.

They have both always sacroficed everything, absolutly everything, for me and my sister. It fascinates me.

I love them beyond belief. I love them beyond logic. And even though they never understand me and never will, even though they strip me on my personality and the way I express myself I still love them.

Because, at the end of the day they brought me to this planet.

1: I am an Alien
2: I crave music
3: I adore my friends and family
4: I barely ever find myself beautiful
5: I am a well experienced virgin
6: I hate stereotypes, boxer to cathegorize people in and judging
7: I am absolutly terrified of dogs
8: I always pray in Persian
9: I always send a goodnight kiss to Bill in hopes that he might feel my love and feel a little less alone
10: My ideal guy is really tall but all guys I have fallen for lately have been pretty average to short.

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